im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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