this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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