woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
