I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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