Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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