it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
