Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
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The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
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Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Fuck me I smell like cheese