Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.