So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
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ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
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Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!