you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.