i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes