im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
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Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.