I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
