we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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