I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
