Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
