my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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