My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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