i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old