I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
