so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
