The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
