Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
