you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
