I want to have your abortion
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
