Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
