That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
