you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
