i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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