there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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