All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
