At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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