It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
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took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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