nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
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Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.