i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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