Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
