and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
