I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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