i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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