ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
