He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
