I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
