There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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