too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
