Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
