I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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