You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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