I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
