I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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