did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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