I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
