are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
