i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
