I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
