i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
