Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's always time for handjobs
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
