11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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