They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
