She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
