when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
