You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
